Slippery When Lost

Year: 1984

Song: “She Don’t Know Me,” by Bon Jovi

You look at Jon Bon Jovi, and you think, sure, he’s probably at least a fair-to-middling hide-and-seek player.

You would be wrong.

“She Don’t Know Me” is a forgettable song sung in the key of but why DOESN’T this stranger I’m professing to be in love with want to be with me, I’m a nice guy. I am reasonably certain this song is wearing a fedora. But the video, well, the VIDEO is evidence that the Jovi is, in fact, the worst hide-and-seek player of all flingin’ flangin’ time.

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It opens at an Ewery, which, judging from the neon sign, is a place that serves martinis. The Jovi is all slumped and sad because he is trying to play hide-and-seek with this girl and it isn’t going well. He’s hoping taking a break will ease his troubles.

He resumes his search and it’s just like….

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There she is.

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There she is.

Jon. The Jovi. My word, sir. Look at your surroundings.

He’s so sad he walks up a hill and completely gives up on lip-synching.

He’s sad even when he’s hanging with his buddies — and we can only assume someone came and picked up him because there’s just no way that he’d be able to find them in the local Ewery or even just standing there being the only actual people on the street.

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Someone litters and the Jovi goes to pick it up because even in his state, he’s still the boy scout of rock and roll, AND HE CAN’T EVEN FIND THE CAN. You guys. What.

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There she is.

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when your friend has to walk your drunk ass home after you were all ‘i’m not gonna drink tonight though’

There she…I don’t know what is happening here except that the Jovi is so bad at playing hide-and-seek that he has no longer believes he is real and he is now just staggering through the streets disrobing all willy-nilly. IN A NOR’EASTER NO LESS.

As the video goes on and the Jovi takes a break to play with his friends, some questions arise. Why isn’t there an oral history of this video? What was so all-fired important about this concept that it could not have waited for TORNADO-LIKE CONDITIONS to pass? Was the Ewery not available for filming any other day? In the entire future?

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You watch enough of these videos, you know there’s always a slight breeze going on. The 80s were a breezy time, which was fairly important to balancing the fact that it was not a breathable fabric time. This, however, isn’t the gentle tousle of a fan. This is weather. Honest-to-Roth weather.

DAVID BRYAN HAS TO PLAY SIDEWAYS SO HE DOESN’T BLOW AWAY.

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That look into the distance make it clear that someone is getting fired from Bon Jovi Inc. for this.

I mean, it’s bad enough to be the worst-ever hide-and-seek player in the world without worrying about the person you’re looking for getting lifted off to Oz.

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Think about how many cans of hairspray died for this band. Think about how strong that wind has to be to do that to Tico. DID A DRUMSTICK ALMOST BLOW AWAY?

Anyway, the Jovi returns to the Ewery because maybe that’s the last time he saw his hide-and-seek partner. And when he goes outside to needlessly harass some locals…there she is. But she’s like, we’ve been playing hide-and-seek for like four days and I’m tired and I’m getting in this car now, bye.

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And of course for the first time all damn video, he actually walks in her direction. But it’s too late. And the other woman is just like, wow, you lose.

At least he’s able to find his way back up to the roof with his friends in the middle of a windstorm, for some very safe activities that are not impacted by the weather at all.

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The real miracle of all of this is that he couldn’t find a human woman but was able to relocate his top in a gale.

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