Out of the Frying Pan


Year: 1985

Song: “Into the Fire” by Dokken

So apparently people are finding this tiny, dusty corner of the internet through some intrepid hair metal googling (HI, THANK YOU, WELCOME) so it’s time for me to get off my duff and get back to work. Because when the rockin’ gets tough, the tough get ROCKIN’ LIKE DOKKEN.

And boy do we have a treat today.

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You know this video is going to be good because it begins with a lady doing elaborate poses in a hamster wheel while covered in barbed wire and then it immediately cuts to what is ABSOLUTELY A REAL HELICOPTER WHY DO YOU ASK.

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Dokken appears to be preparing to perform sort of riverfront concert, a very brave plan based on how recently Don gave blood. I hope George Lynch has some extra cookies in his pockets.

It’s raining, because it is a Dokken video after all, and apparently the climes of the Dokkenverse are similar to Seattle, but that doesn’t dampen the spirit of the band or the flames surrounding them. They are flanked by two giant stone hands with claws, so what I’m saying is this might just be like a regular Wednesday night.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also there’s a speedboat.

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Turns out there are two women who are barb-wired to the giant stone hands. Their appearance is concerning because initially, only two possibilities come to mind: either Dokken has kidnapped these women for some nefarious backup dancer purposes or they just happened up on this scene and are trying to figure out how to right this grave wrong.

Great news, it’s neither. Turns out these are historically significant stone handclaws and the women have barb-wired themselves to them out of protest because the city is trying to remove them, possibly by helicopter and/or speedboat, which means they have no interest in maintaining the architectural integrity of the structures.

Now, as important as historic preservation is, Dokken feels like the protest is really going to dampen the concert vibe. So they decide to appeal to the organization backing the women. Each member of leaps through a pile of barbed wire into the hellmouth underneath the stone handclaws because, duh, how else do stone handclaws become historically significant other than being built upon a hellmouth?

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Honestly, I’m going to have to go with the protesters on this one. Without the stone handclaws marking the hellmouth, you could have random citizens just falling into the hellmouth day and night. Can you imagine the lawsuit nightmare that would be? The city is not thinking this through.

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The hellmouth is filled with fire and brimstone (natch) and appears to be based on what that one guy who said feminists have snaked-filled heads would imagine as the future feminists want. (Close, but with greater representation.) The members of Dokken prepare to offer some kind of brick-like sacrifice in exchange for the women pausing their protest for the duration of the concert but the leader of the hellmouth immediately spits them back out to the riverfront. If you’re going to just leap into a hellmouth, you better come ready to play.

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But Dokken will not be deterred. They want to play their riverfront concert, and they will do it whether there’s a helicopter dangling frightening close to their heads or these women are still barb-wired in place, loudly protesting their presence.

The band moves on to Plan B and decides to release the women themselves with the power of rock. If there is one thing that’s true in the Dokkenverse, it’s that George Lynch’s massively skillful shredding cuts through metalBut it doesn’t work! What! Poor George is flummoxed.

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While Dokken keeps playing, I think we can chalk this one up as a win for historic preservation. The handclaws live on.

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